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creation & evolution.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

1:26PM - Venus swirl

Can you mold a Helen of Troy out of a Venus of Willendorf?

Is it possible?

Comments: xie ni de gentie.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

4:04PM - Tiptoeing through nutshells like we're in a field of land mines

Who knew it would be this hard?
Rummaging your departure over and over in my head
Trying to ignore it,
Letting the grief seep out slowly.
We didn't see each other every day; but twice a week
It became a ritual
To exchange sounds without thought
It -- you -- became a part of my weekly cycle
Ingrained into my habits like clockwork
Then suddenly --
it all breaks.
You put the brakes on this seasick vessel we've been hustling on for so long now
I still can't pinpoint why it's so rough on me.
I feel like I'm losing something very important in my life.
It's the end of a chapter I wasn't ready to close.
Will it ever be as good again?
I choke on nausea at the thought of us never sharing the same stage again;
The others, they can move on so easily, logically
Trying to keep the momentum going like able-minded captains
But I'm still hiding in the shadows, that addled lackey, not even a sailor.
The memories for me are yet too close to drain
Angry, not at you -- but at the uncertain territory that lies ahead for us
without you written in our future
I truly do hope you find joy again
Please fly, so that I might find comfort
Life is not so bad right now...but I still feel the dread...
the impending collapse that might befall us
now that you are gone.

Comments: xie ni de gentie.

Monday, December 5, 2011

2:37PM - Nothing is sacred...


Comments: xie ni de gentie.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

2:48PM - Affirmations...

"When things get difficult, turn to wonder"
I see this every day at work... faded in chalk on the cement walkway in front of Building 8, an affirmation left over from "Peace Day 2011," which happened at the college at least 3 months ago.
Since Halloween, this saying has periodically slipped into my mind.  I miss those moments of 'wonder' that I had as a child; that inexplicable feeling of curiosity and whimsy that brings to mind Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” or looking up at the stars outside of one’s bedroom window.
I’m trying to channel this feeling of ‘wonder’ more into my life.  It makes life more enjoyable, finding mystery in the mundane.  Every day can be a fairy tale, if our mind and imagination allow it to.  This past Halloween, I tried to get myself in the spirit even though much wasn’t really happening.  I indulged in pumpkin and autumn scents, I watched some of my favorite classic Halloween movies, I painted my nails and wore a Halloween shirt to work (one of the very few who did), and I gave out candy to the trick-or-treaters even though nobody in the house really wanted to.  These little things helped to channel the wonder that I had as a child during the Halloween season. 
Sometimes I miss who I used to be.  I think I was a lot more knowledgeable and introspective.  It made me happy just to be on the computer all day watching Kate Bush videos and looking at pictures of castles.  Just those images allowed me to transport myself to another world.  Now, my mind is wired differently…I have to constantly be doing something or accomplishing a task or else I feel anxious.  It’s good to have goals, but my problem is now I have too many that I really don’t know how to relax.  Instead of stopping to smell the roses, I have to constantly fill the void of time with some other ‘assignment’.  But I’m trying… my recent slew of plaguing headaches and illnesses (of which I rarely use to get) is reminding me that I need to take more time for myself and not feel guilty about doing so. 
I compare my child self with my current self to the attraction Splendid China that used to be in Kissimmee.  When I first moved to Florida in 1994, Splendid China was a very busy tourist attraction.  There were no rides, just replicated sceneries and statues from Ancient China.  The gardens were rife with bright blooming flowers; the big tented area was heavily populated with tourists watching the Chinese acrobats and martial artists and kids playing with other kids.  I remember, at 7 years old, being in awe when my parents took us to Splendid China.  It was a major family event, on the same level at the time as taking a trip to Disney World.  I remember the entrance – a large gate flanked by tall golden dragons that seemed even more magnificent to a small seven-year old girl.  I remember feeling magical as I walked through that entrance, as if I was really stepping into Ancient China.  There was this beautiful and verdant maze with stone structures that I used to love running through.  It wasn’t very big, but I remember feeling scared that I might get lost in the maze and afraid that my parents wouldn’t be able to find me.  But it was that type of “scared” that was thrilling… a small adventure. 
… Splendid China has been closed for a couple years now; I had the opportunity (misfortune, really) of visiting the place just a few months before it closed.  My mom was hosting an event for her non-profit Filipino-American organization there.  It was such a depressing experience.  The park was deserted except for a few old people walking the grounds.  The “caretakers” truly let the place go; the statues were dirty and dilapidated… that grand entrance I remembered as a child now seemed pitiful.  The park was devoid of color… instead, overgrown roots and rampant, invasive greenery replaced those yellow and pink tulips from before.  All of the restaurants were closed except for one miserable cafeteria that sold nasty American Chinese food…food so bad that Ming Court in the mall seemed phenomenal by comparison.  The large tented area was now just that – a large white tent, stained with rainwater damage and years of neglect.  Surprisingly, the acrobat show still managed to exist in the theater.  My sister and cousins who were with me also commented, “Wow, this is just sad.  It looks so different than what it used to be.”   … I don’t want my imagination and joy for life to end up like Splendid China.  I want to continue to tend the garden – to make the flowers bloom.
Another saying I heard for the first time today is "It's hard to be the best when you are concerned with being the best."  I thought about how true this was for me.  I’ve always struggled with comparing myself to other people.  When I was younger, I felt that I was the ‘best’ at a lot of things and it bothered me when I wasn’t.  I do miss the drive that I used to have, but I don’t miss the stress.  Life is so much more fun when you don’t lay so much expectation on yourself.  This pressure I used to feel about being the best was why I wanted to quit guitar for a long time…  I wanted to be a badass shredder, but it occurred to me that I was never going to be better than Steve Vai or Rusty Cooley, and it really discouraged me.  I thought, “If I can’t be as good as them, why bother playing altogether?!”  But now, I’m glad I didn’t quit.  It took me years to be comfortable with the guitarist and musician that I am.  I now feel good that I can make music that expresses me instead of expressing someone else’s idea or emotions.  And whatever way that expression might be, be it slow, fast or groovy – at least it’s me.  A documentary I saw on Megadeth last night on VH1 Classic also reminded me of the fact.  Dave Mustaine had a 20-year grudge against his former band mates in Metallica.  Even when they were at their pinnacle, selling millions of records and topping the charts, it wasn’t enough for him.  In his mind, he wasn’t successful unless he surpassed Metallica.  As I was watching, I related to Mustaine.  But I would hate to take that long just to heal – to harbor such an unhealthy mentality.  I had this unhealthy mentality for a long time, but I’m glad that I am finally (almost) free of it.  I can finally be me and stop comparing myself.  And obviously, Mustaine did right by sticking to his guns and staying true to himself – Megadeth’s cred as a metal band has, in my opinion, surpassed that of Metallica’s.  Megadeth is still shredding with that raw intensity while Metallica hasn’t been good for almost fifteen years... 

Comments: 1 xie le - xie ni de gentie.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

12:07PM - a collective of jumbled up thoughts, hopes and aspirations

Do you know yourself?

I see this question in surveys all the time.  I'm just trying to figure out what my spirit animal is, dag nabbit.  (I still haven't found it yet...but nor have I really taken the time to truly meditate on it.)  I think it's just going to walk up to me one day when I least suspect it...as a spectre in the kitchen while I'm washing the dishes... on the side of the road when I'm driving home from work.  But I don't think it's going to be that easy.  I'm looking for some guidance; I'm surrending myself to the spiritual and unknown...I need some sort of totem to relate to -- something that will empower me and give me focus.  Maybe I'm goofy and aloof like a panda bear or an anteater.  Justice is a wolf.  He found out from a shaman from a Native American community he used to live in and participate in when he lived in Micanopy.  I don't have such services at my disposal.

I flash in and out of myself all the time.  I think of myself as a positive person with an enlightened energy...somebody who is compassionate towards others. Someone who is silly and likes to make people laugh and have a good time.  But now, it's like that part of myself only comes in doses.  I am frequently agitated with people; the armor of patience I usually wear is thinning.  It's come to my attention through a conversation I've had with my "big sister" Meka that I worry too much.  So much that I spew rude things to people I care about because I think it's what someone else had in mind.  I wish life would stop playing tricks on me.  I have stopped being as kind as I used to be because some of the people in my life I can't necessarily get rid of have hardened me...I've had to put up with their negative behavior so in turn, I myself have become more negative.  Namely, this person of course is my drummer Oscar.  For the longest time, I had no clue if he even enjoyed playing with me.  He gave me the impression that he was just in this band because he wanted to play drums again.  He was constantly making fun of me and being overly sarcastic...I don't mind sarcasm, but with him it's hard to tell if he's on the borderline of being serious in a mean way.  It even got to the point to where I was scared to mention new ideas to him or be around him.  But for the past month, he has had a kinder disposition.  He hasn't made fun of me as much; we even went to a concert last Tuesday together (just us).  I'm sure (as I predicted), this is because Justice and Dennis have joined the band.  He probably feels more relaxed being around more guys (he is really awkward around females, even if he has no interest in them).  Then, just yesterday, he broke that feeling of total camaraderie.  He's on his man-period again.  After asking if we were going to practice the next day he texts me, "Everybody needs to be ready to go when I get there, it irritates me to wait."  I thought, at first, he was joking around.  I just texted back "lol ok."  I told Dennis and Justice about this text and they said, "really?  he said that?"  This text pissed me off, but of course I get highly upset when people are rude for no reason.  His freaking drums are already set up; all he has to do is walk in and sit down.  Our amps are at the space but not our guitars and pedalboards.  I have to connect all that crap, check the mic, and all of us have to tune.  From experience, this is the norm with most bands.  Why should I have to get there 20 mins earlier to do all that crap that every band goes through?  Do you want me to be out of tune?  Piss off with that bullshit.  It's enough that we have to practice at 8pm when Dennis and I have to get up early for work the next day.  We are revolving around Oscar's schedule.  Plus, he is the only one that lives and works near the practice space.  Geez, I hope he was kidding.  It's shit like this that makes me feel small in the scheme of things.  Ideally, everything should work like clockwork, and I just show up and be as radiant as I can be.  Like Tori or Kate (Bush)...but nope, I have to deal with personality checks, scheduling, promoting, and technical issues.  Yes, I know that this is part of the package of being a working musician but it makes doing this sometimes not fun.  The best part is when we actually play.  Fuck all the foreplay that builds up anxiety; I just want to be there for the release -- the music, the sound, the energy, the communion with a captive audience.

I've also become weary of being drunk in front of people.  Several incidents in the past two months have made me self-conscious.  I used to think I liked myself better when I was drunk.  When I'm drunk, I'm not as reserved and I am silly as hell.  But when people mock me the next day or even month, I hate it.  I hate hearing how people "wanted to take pictures of me because my ass was falling all over the place" and how I couldn't play for shit on stage because I was "all over the place."  It's like there's no safe place for me to let go.  I love losing my reservation; I think it's why we all like to get drunk.  Getting drunk or high is not just for hippies, punks, stoners, and metalheads anymore.  Just the other day, a girl approached me outside of 7-11 to ask me if I would ask the sales associate if they sold K-2 (fake weed).  She wasn't 18 yet so she couldn't do it herself.  She was a skinny thing -- blonde, pale...probably was a member of her high school's volleyball or cheerleading team.  It's that absolute essence that we crave...that absolute essence of our true self that comes out when we are without inhibition.  Your truest self.  It's a moment when we can escape the cage we put ourselves in each and every day.  It's a chance to not worry about rule or consequence...essentially, freedom.

I wouldn't mind a day where I had no responsibilities and nowhere to go and I just got drunk and high by myself.  I would sit with a keyboard, guitar, pen and paper and dance around the house.  I only wish I lived in California so I could roam the high desert barefoot.  That would be amazing... totally free, feeling the red sandy dirt between my toes.  This feeling of freedom that I miss is why I miss Shanghai so much.  I was so worry-free.  I didn't have to work, I didn't have to drive, I had plenty of money, and I was surrounded by friends that were in the same mind-frame.  They didn't care that I was trashed; in fact, I think they loved me more.  They were feeling the same high.  On the balcony of Club Rouge, night wind blowing in our hair, overlooking the Huang Pu river...the city lights gleaming over the black water like a vast mirror.  I've expressed this desire to travel with my friend Angie, who is a massage therapist with a penchant for metaphysics.  She told me, "the desire to travel and escape...it might not solve anything.  Usually, you can resolve those problems inside you right where you are."  Maybe.  But how can I when I am surrounded in an oppressive atmosphere?  How can I feng shui when my world is constantly throwing things at me?  And when I try to eliminate these things from entering my sacred space, life just seems to bite back?  Why is it that when I apply for a job I am very qualified for, I don't get selected for the interview?  I'm a one-woman Zen drowning in the Abyss. 

So I push through the day like the everyday warrior that many have made themselves to be in this day and age.  My mandala is whirling inside of my chest, my prayer beads are rattling in my ribcage.  But my exterior self conceals these things and tries to make itself presentable and functional to the outside world. 

What is making me more satisified with life is that I am losing more weight and getting stronger.  It's taken a few months but I am seeing solid results.  There are these cargo pants that when I first received them almost a year and a half ago (as a hand-me-down from my roommate), I could barely fit into.  I mean, I could barely snap the button closed.  But yesterday when I wore them, they were very loose -- to the point where I could slide them on with the button closed.  I am still studying wushu and have been doing Crossfit with Justice.  I have also changed my eating habits.  I can't believe it, but I can actually run almost 400 m straight without stopping and dying for air.  This is probably not a lot to some people, but for me, it's an accomplishment.  At the beginning of this year, I could barely run 50m without gasping and feeling like my heart was going to explode.  My weakest exercise is pushups.  I cannot do a correct pushup without an assist band.  It's easy going down, but when I push up it feels like the earth is on my back.  My stances are stronger and lower at wushu and I just recently earned my purple belt (two before black). 

It's strange to think that I have even come this far.  I feel like a reformed fat girl.  The trek for me is difficult.  I was never that active or athletic as a kid; I had confidence issues and was very afraid of playing with other kids for some reason.  When I was in the 4th grade, I purposely wore sandals so that I could get out of kickball.  I felt stupid because me and another girl were the only ones sitting out.  My classmates thought I was nuts because I didn't know how to play...I was also terrified of running in front of people because I wasn't that fast.  I didn't want to slow others down.  There was one time where my teacher forced me to play (in the sandals), but after seeing that I was downright awful, I was able to leave in the middle of the game.  In 6th and 7th grade, I refused to "dress out" for gym... instead, I showed up with combat boots, haha.  (Eventually, I had to participate for fear of getting an F in PE...lame.)  I also never ate healthfully, but I can't blame my parents really.  I was raised on spam, rice, canned corned beef, eggs, and starchy Filipino food.  They are thrifty by nature -- such is the way of Filipino culture.  The Philippines was a third-world country when they lived in it (some say it still is), so they lived off of whatever resources they had.  Canned milk, canned goods, vegetables they sometimes had to get by walking long distances.  (Wow, this sounds like life for some Americans today except here it is probably a little more convenient!) 

So when I think of what I've accomplished just in the past two years, it's crazy to me.  I forgot what movie it was that I saw years ago that put the goal in my head of looking as "good as Johnny Depp."  Sounds wacky because I'm a girl, but it made perfect sense to me at the time.  I wanted to be naturally and broodingly beautiful; a natural beauty that would make someone bite their lip.  Ha, this is a little lofty of a goal -- I mean, it's freaking Johnny Depp.  And needless to say, I never reached it.  Now, my goal is to look as good as the fetish model Masuimi Max, but in my own way and without the boob job.  Or more like a combination between Masuimi Max, Samantha Tjhia, Steven Wilson, and Josh Homme (circa 2005-2007) .  Yes, it's vain, but it gives me something to aspire to...something to strive towards.  Masuimi Max represents the stunning femme fatale...she has the absolute perfect curvy body.   Samantha Tjhia (wushu athlete) is slim and strong.  Steven is attractive not only because of his (a little geeky) looks, but also because of the passion and intellect he puts into his music.  Josh Homme is attractive because of his humor and attitude.  He's the guy that at first glance, you look at and cringe but at second glance you think, "I can't stop looking at him.  He's magnetizing."  Makeup and creams are fine, but I'll never resort to injecting chemicals in myself though.  I want to age gracefully.  I want to be like how Tori was in the nineties, not like the plastic doll she's become. 

Current mood: thoughtful
Comments: 2 xie le - xie ni de gentie.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

11:09AM - the eternal desert

it's strange how we wither away
Day by day
until we see our hands
and our heads ache.
I am a barren desert
never bearing fruit
there will be no photographs of my starlit past
no future utterings of "your mother was so beautiful in her day"
No future will be birthed from me,
No future progeny
It's selfish to say
but all the same
life is so unfair to many who squeeze their souls to dream
and not cruel enough to those that can smile everyday

Current mood: irritated
Comments: xie ni de gentie.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

11:30AM - bleh!

Excitement, frenetic energy and then this sore thought:

The Orlando music scene SUCKS!  Drama, politics, tangled webs, unwritten rules that confine...FUCK!  If all towns are like this, I'm in the wrong business.  I don't want to be tied to this...I want to be a gypsy...a paid wanderer...no strings attached...

Comments: 1 xie le - xie ni de gentie.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

3:35PM - The Simple Life.

If only I could forget
your influence on me
how you turned me from quiet ghost into
a washed out rose
lost in the desert
searching for the sky
The loud guitars
the throbbing bass
how I danced alone in the house for days
How your voice filled my empty halls
-- Then I could escape your grasp
And seek solitude in
The simple life
unadulterated ontology
the symbiosis nourishes me
as much as it depletes
you give, i take
i beg for more, and you can just walk away
never knowing a single name of the souls you stole
Give me silence
and hard work
These hands will work the soil, feed the people
Life needs only one sole purpose
To give back to the earth before you go down in it
Even now, I can hear the echoes off the walls
The speakers' boom resounding inside my chest
and do I miss it, I don't know
The lust for fame is drying like a forlorn well
Like the insides of an aged cello
Spacious and waiting to play a note
Instead, abandoned
Aging, breaking, dying unnoticed by the material world
Oh, to live in cinematic snips, my story told by fleeting scenes
A glimpse of who I was to be

Comments: xie ni de gentie.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

1:28PM - Dirtbag Outworld

{imagine groovy Rhodes piano or blues piano}

Come on, Elliott let's kick this fucker down
These yuppie pigs are cramping our style
It's not just about passion, but
what about some simple goddamned respect for one another?
We're not wearing the right things
We're not drinking the cool things
Sick of this hipster bullshit
all this

An outcast in this outworld
so my shoes don't match
(You) Give so much
just to get so little back
Blood everywhere, screaming until I can't breathe
And a sea of stone faces see a monster and they turn to leave

So I'm a freak of nature to you
Well I'm not even something so bizarre or exciting
So we're not the arrangement you're used to
Go home to tell your computer,
were we the highlight of your day?

Comments: 3 xie le - xie ni de gentie.

Monday, September 26, 2011

2:54PM - street crumbles

not even cool
I should be living
instead it's degradation in reverse
the shoegaze life
the sights, the sounds
rainbows at night
and the twinkle in your eye
Escape me
No, it's not the scenic hill from here
It's the cross
and it's heavy
Shun them away
It's not even sublime
Not even as hipster as a drug
Do you remember what it's like to be human?
I wish I could be as savvy as you
Is this my karmic reward?
Capital punishment
with a lower-case altitude
my attitude
is defeatist
defeating me
Tired of being normal
This encapsulated life
Am I doomed to never see autumn leaves fall again?
Amber, red, golden
Colors only in my head
Could you just save me? 
Discover what I'm all about?
Would you even care?
Baby duck savior
Could you carry me away from this banality?
You'd probably tell me it's not all that it's cracked up to be
Or maybe I'll end up like the grey street messiah
He is my only friend too
Those who look up to you for some meaning
Fill the void
with more anxiety
It's not all that it's cracked up to be...

Comments: 3 xie le - xie ni de gentie.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

8:42AM - Turning On the Screw

They say those who can’t just instruct others.
Will act like victims or jilted lovers.
You can’t lose it if you never had it.
Disappear, man, do some magic.
You want a reason ? How's about because?
You ain’t a has-been if you never was.

Comments: xie ni de gentie.

Monday, August 29, 2011

1:30PM - random trivial nonsubliminal

Now that I have lots of time working in the Open Lab...and shouldn't have headphones on (it's ok if you're tucked away in an office), I will do what any bored creative mind does...write about trivial things and make them seem grand.

Except that punctuating and nailing every detail has become tedious to me.  I know!  These jewels that I used to love...like crafting an essay like piece that no one will ever see anyway.  No, I'd rather watch a movie or a TV show now.  It gives me a headache that I was used to when I was writing droves of essays back in high school AP English.

..."Everybody knows that you're insane..."  Okay, so I was crushing hard on Josh Homme for the past two weeks.  He was in every thought and dream that I had, but now...the spell is over.  And now that he's gone, I'm kind of sad.  Happy that I can function more normally and feel less guilty, but still sad because he was my muse...I must have wrote 3 new songs and even more ideas during my Josh Homme crush phase.

He popped into my life again like an old friend.  But like an old friend who you never noticed was so attractive in demeanor and physicality before.  I've liked Queens of the Stone Age since 2008, but they came to mind again when I happened to see the computer screen of my coworker Rohan.  He was browsing the PBS website for Sherlock Holmes videos, but on the site my eye caught something else.  Them Crooked Vultures on Austin City Limits.  So I watched the entire performance throughout the following couple of days.  On one of those nights, I accidentally stumbled on the program listing for No Reservations while looking for something else on the cable box.  Apparently, Anthony Bourdain had shot an entire episode guest-starring Josh Homme about the High Desert in California, where Joshua was a frequent.  I've watched it twice.

He had been in my dreams every night for those two weeks.  Not quite a sexual lover, but a soul lover who was guiding me on some musical journey and trying to inspire me to have some more musical swagger.  Yes, that's exactly what I love about Joshua.  His swagger.  His complete flippancy around interviewers and in the media; his "I'm me and I don't give a fuck if you have anything to say about it" attitude.  His effortless charm.

I've had celebrity crushes before, but never while I've been in an actual relationship.  Yes, I even signed up for a Twitter account to follow this man.  I justify it with the excuse that celebrities/known artists on Twitter seem to leak out the first bits of new news on Twitter and I want to stay afloat on what's happening with my favorite musicians...videos, pics, tour, merch...  but really, I can't even believe I've joined the flock of Twats.  the tangible is so much better, but maybe I'm craving a change of pace...I would love to travel...to live like the rock star couple...I wish I could taste all kinds of foods I've never had before and dress like I'm somebody.  Materialism...it's a curse...that even the most seemingly down to earth artists are plagued with. 

Sometimes I wish I was born a boy -- to have swagger, to be drunk and carefree and not be judged like I'm sleazy or trashy; to not worry about makeup or hairstyle.  To be crude and not be at fault.

But right now, I am feeling sort of the opposite.  Justice has been out of town for almost two weeks on a stunt gig and I am missing him.  Missing our shared silliness, missing his touch.  Right now, I am enjoying the perks of being a girl...the ability to be sensual and sensitive...to have a good day fueled simply by a good cup of warm tea or shower.  The sunshine, dreams of lying on a picnic blanket with my true and unconditional love under cherry blossoms in the park.  Jogging with the dog, and dreaming I'm in Shanghai about to pop into the hippest and most urban noodle restaurant.  The spices, the tastes, the aromas...Hope and Dream...

Comments: xie ni de gentie.

Friday, July 15, 2011

11:15AM - Idyllic

I love eating healthy!  What makes me happy in life is eating delicious healthy food, being active, and spending time with my boo.  I wish we made more money so we could eat natural all the time!  Eating better does really give you  more energy and puts you in a better mood too!  I need to buy more babaganouj!  hehe

Comments: 2 xie le - xie ni de gentie.

Monday, June 27, 2011

10:25AM - Stream of Consciousness/Thoughts (Reprise)

You see, I want to travel the world; live adventures.  What is love for another if not first loving oneself? 

I refuse to be trapped by location; how do the gypsies do it?  It's so easy to be tied down by contracts, responsibilities, obligations...how do we escape the paper trail that chases us?

Some are content with the cozy home, and that is fine.  But I want to find the mysteries of this world...crypts, statues, architecture, nature...each fragment of what we can see holds a key to ourselves.  That's the enigma and revelation of it all.  The Hidden Object Game of Life and Reality.

You see, it's all in the texts...it's up to us now to experience it; discover the classics by rediscovering them today.  The feeling of innate childish curiosity...that shadow creature creeping into your stomach, like you are some Indiana Jones...and the way the sunlight casts over an arabesque or the white marble slab tomb in such a beautiful, arcane way.  I want to feel that again.

I've always wanted to inspire by example...but how can I do that if I cannot live?  If I cannot sustain my own mentality and sense of peace?  "The war in me makes a warrior" said Maya.  But I can't let it defeat me... I am not out to prove myself to anyone; I'm out to prove that the weak can be made stronger...that the humble shall not be trampled. 

I am too tired to construct grammatically correct sentences...to string together images and words into viable prose.  At the present time, my mind is not chaotic, but it is definitely not sharp and simple.

Heroines: Mazikeen, Zen (from Thai movie Chocolate), the original Tori Amos, Kate Bush, Anna Madden (Paperhouse)

Comments: xie ni de gentie.

Friday, June 24, 2011

10:21AM - Quotes from an Angel...soar high Jeff Buckley...

Comments: xie ni de gentie.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

1:05PM - work in progress...steam of consciousness...

I used to write poems because of a love of violence
a strident passion beating in my chest
that wanted to prove itself
and a pretentious ego that wanted to lace euphonious words with each other
like stringing honeyed popcorn kernels;
trying to prove I knew more words than anyone

But I've forgotten a lot of those words now,
and why do I write now?
No longer a compulsion, but just a trickling out of emotion
like the knife stuck in the pig,
bleeding out
maybe I'll find out
something about myself again
I used to be so sure of who I was
but i'm lost again

You see, that's the power of drugs
to escape the mortal chains
and transport yourself to somewhere else,
allowing your spirit to breathe,
and your mind to soar
but I got no connections,
I got no money
my drug is a clove cigarette,
my problems diffusing with each inhalation
until it burns down to the ash
and like my body, crumbling like the wake of an orgasm
But that doesn't make it go away

i'm disappointed with those who have let me down
let me fall
it was just an awkward display, there was no glory

there used to be pride, but i've reached the pinnacle
i can't get any higher
so I'm tumbling down
like a sore wishing star
nascent sparks
so bright it hurts
and dimming

wash me of responsibility
of routine
beautiful China skies
and I still feel the darkness breeding in me
like the warm nasty breath of a dog
My bones rattling like a cage
that this mind has always been for me

Comments: xie ni de gentie.

Monday, June 20, 2011

10:30AM - Your golden light

Lolo, I should've spent more time with you when you were still here...
I guess I felt alienated as a teen, and I distanced myself from family.
It's so foolish; I miss you so much.  Do you know how I wish I could feel your embrace again?
I know you love me and loved us so much.

I know you are watching over me;
two dragonflies greet me every time I come home, right at the front door.
I used to be be so jaded about what happens after we die,
but you've given me some comfort.
You looked so happy, so well in my dream a few months ago. 

I should've spent less time being angry, and more time with you.
You always saved all the Hallmark cards I sent you; you treasured every sentiment that told you you were still important.
And you were, you always will be.  

You wanted me to move back to Chicago for school, you wanted me to be closer.
...at least I got to see you last November.  I loved how you would watch us leave from your apartment window and wave to us.
You cared so much.

I really miss you, Lolo Galo.  You were the only reason I really found it worth visiting Chicago...I know you would love for the family to be united, and for all the cousins to get along with each other.  But it seems like after all, you were the puzzle piece that made it all fit.
No matter how great our differences were, we all had this in common:  we loved you so much.  You were the head of the Degillo clan.  Something was lost when you died, some mechanism that made everything run smoothly...now situations, conditions, and attitudes are scattered; locations are changing for everyone.  

Don't you see just how crucial you were to the family?  No matter how angry someone would get, you would always stay calm.  And you had a good sense of humor.  You were the last reserve of gentility...a remnant from the Old World.  Everyone else was polluted with the taint of the Modern World...but not you.  We need more like you, Lolo.

Comments: xie ni de gentie.

10:20AM - Writer's Block: See you on the other side

If you could find out what happens after you die, would you want to know?

Yes, it might actually save lives by ending wars about religion that are happening today!

Comments: xie ni de gentie.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

10:49AM - The Finish Line...

I'm about done trying to figure out who I am in life, and what puzzle piece I play and where I fit in.

It's a hard thing to achieve greatness...I don't want to give up.  I NEED the ambition to thrive, yet it makes me so anxious at the same time.  It would be nice to relax once in a while.  I've worked so hard...  there will always be people trying to hate you and tear you down when you're closer to achieving success... 

I would love to be watching the cool, clear blue ocean on a tranquil beach right now...or doing yoga in a beautiful lush temple...

Comments: 2 xie le - xie ni de gentie.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

3:28PM - Enigma -- "Social Song"

There is a reason in your mind.
You'll feel the power deep inside
Oh let's celebrate every single day.
There ain't a mountain I can't climb,
The melody makes me high.
Sing a song of love every day

Comments: xie ni de gentie.

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